i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
