my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize