Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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