halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
