i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
