It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
