Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
