Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
