Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize