I accidentally had phone sex last night
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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