Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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