Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't deserve a penis
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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