Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
