Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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