My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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