someone threw a dead crab at me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
