i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just gift wrapped bread.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
