TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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