I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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