I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
