i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
