I just pynch a tree in the face
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
