When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
