last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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