Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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