The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
