I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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