so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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