and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
