Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
