I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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