i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
