I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
