bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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