i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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