Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
