Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
