Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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