I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I am one with the molecules
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
