I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
