ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
