you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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