She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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