Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
