just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Please don't give away my fajitas
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
