After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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