Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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