Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
