So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
