Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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