I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's blow job season.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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