battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
