I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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